Boobie Tassels For Buddha

I am, like most other people, a whole fantastical list of adjectives and descriptive phrases, positive and negative, which even in summation fails to even break the surface of the whole. I am fair skinned. short. freckled. very ticklish. I'm a mom. An avid reader. One of those people who can't whistle or roll their rr's even after their spanish speaking boytoy tried his best to instruct on this matter back when they were 18. I am dorky and sarcastic and near sided. I breathe music. I have a crooked smile. I'm honest. Sometimes too honest. I am always late and procrastinate. Fuck do I. I'm a daughter, a sister, and the coolest of aunts. A shower singer and skirt n heels wearer. A speeder, a tattooed, gum chewing liberal. A dreamer. I fancy myself a writer. I'm green eyed but not with envy and a Georgia accented pharmacy technician. I am also a grad student.

Grad school. Grad fucking school. I have this whole plan laid out that says I am smart, driven, goal oriented and motivated. I have a bachelor of science in criminal justice and am working on my master's in clinical psychology. So. The Big Plan. After I have my master's, I'd like to work in a state hospital on the forensic unit while I continue school to get a docorate and get licensed. The ultimate goal with the degree is to design and improve alternatives to incarceration programs which focus on rehabilitating nonviolent offenders instead of throwing them inside a prison cell to learn some better tricks of the trade. I also intend to rework the types of risk assessments used to determine which offenders are eligible and would benefit best from said alternative programs. I'm passionate on the subject. Soap-boxy even. In a nutshell, without sounding preachy, I think the criminal justice system is fucked, flawed beyond the comprehension of the general public, and if these types of programs are utilized more, we could see some improvement in budget restraints which tend to let violent criminals back onto the streets earlier as well as a drop in crime rates altogether. I want to make change...like Obama except I'm short, white, and have huge tits.

But, here's the thing...I'm in school. I am in all kinds of school loan debt. I'm going through the motions and I am HONESTLY passion filled to the brim on the subject matter. However, I still, fuck still, think of this as my fall back plan.

What's that?

oh.

What's my for real plan?

um...

well...

I WANNA DANCE!!! (movie reference and for the love of the god i don't believe in, someone better get it)

Kidding. I want to own my own bar and write novels. That's it. That's pretty much all I have except for some ideas I have about what sort of goings on I'd like to have at the bar. Live music and all that. It's a huge difference from the well thought out, goal oriented, society benefiting deal from above. But, that's me. Some days I wear slacks, a nice pinstripe blouse, and a blazer to work paired with chuck taylors on my feet. I am, in so many ways, a big fucking contradiction. It's evident in everything I do when you're looking for the clues.

Why a bar? I dunno. I like alcohol? I mean, I do, but that's not it. This past year I took a 5 hour trek to Savannah to see 2 of my favorite bands play live at this awesome little bar on Congress Ave called The Jinx. Baroness and Kylesa. Both had started playing there at that bar, but it was Baroness' 2nd full length album release event. During their encore, Baizley, vocals and guitar, got pretty choked up talking about getting their start right there at the Jinx. I want to be a part of that.

And writing novels? I guess that should be obvious. I have a lot to say, I suppose.

So, if you have some ideas to raise funds in support of opening said bar, I will gladly give you a free "drinks for life" coupons to share with your co-conspirators.

I can't say for certain exactly what thought processes led to me deciding to move back in with my father after my parents divorced, but that's the way the story goes. Thinking back on it, maybe it was just too much change after my mom moved in with my soon to be stepdad. We'd gone from home, to a rental house, to his house in a pretty short amount of time. Or maybe I was pining away for my things, my bed, the home I grew up in. Or perhaps I was just being a little bit rebellious? Most likely it was a combination of change, missing home and rebellion with the gutteral fuck noises of my Ron Jeremy look alike stepdad and my mom's ooohing and aahing being the straw that broke the camel's back.

I sometimes went out to see my dad on weekends. I had friends out that way I'd hang out with and my dad had girlfriends who were pretty cool to me with kids who were the bee's knees from a barely-growing-hair-down-there girl's perspective. It wasn't really a stretch to see why I thought moving back would be a good bit of fun. But, my dad was also a drug dealer and his girlfriends' kids and their friends and his "clients'" kids were all getting drugs from him and were definitely into sharing. In pretty short order, I introduced myself to booze. He introduced me to the customers. They introduced me to pot. It would be a long term love affair...

Several of my new pothead friends were in a band. A BAND. *girl scream* They had long hair...ratty, frizzy, Cobain style grunge hair. Well, except for B on bass. I think he drank enough PBR to forever prevent himself from growing any at all. These guys were all considerably older than me. I was only in 8th grade and some of them were actually already out of school. They played alternative/grunge rock when that was the absolute shit. They gave me drugs. They didn't really mind me tagging along (the guitarist's girlfriend and i had become pretty close after her mom started banging my dad). The world was a grand place from my glassy eyed view even though I spent a good bit of my time just trying to find my place.

Eventually, to seal my worth in this little group, I helped myself to dad's stash and sold it for less than he did. Considerably less. It's a cutthroat business. But, that's another story.

The band, let's call them the Dirty Pussy Magnets, played house parties, in fields, for birthdays, for the fuck of it, took part in locals shows and practiced once or twice a week. They had a uhaul type trailer for hauling equipment on out of town shows with their name spray painted on and such. They really weren't bad. They weren't great either but maybe they could have been. Instead, they lived a rock n roll life before they were even rocknrollas. Everything involved pot and booze and partying. Even in between the shows and crowded practices, we hung out and listened to music and ate candy and stayed stoned. Sliced turkey and skittles makes a fine meal, by the way. I think once we spent half a night laying on someone's floor listening to Janis Joplin looking at glow in the dark stars....that says it all.

We were out back counting stars with hum, destroying sweaters with weezer, and strutting our stuff with the violent femmes.

My life, quite honestly, resembled a combination of dazed and confused and almost famous except these guys were 'won't ever come close to famous' unless being arrested for drug possession counts. Which a couple of them were... oh and the singer also had part of his pinky bitten off by a monkey.

Here's a soundtrack from the times...hope it brings back some memories.

so I don't care about the oscars. there is something a tiny bit vain about a large number of people who make a shit ton of money (other than the german animators for short films - they always wear rented suits), prancing around in tuxes and gowns and free borrowed jewellery and who are you wearing tonights? and oh you're so loverlys and who might this young miss be with you george clooneys? and congratulating themselves for 8 hours while listening to droning aged comedians perform a cavalcade of has-been schlock. tiny bit vain.

i care about when shit goes right. when the stanley cup comes back to canada, that's a good thing. but when it goes to detroit, that's good too, cuz they're practically canadian and that city is hurting.

flashback.

-hey T. i saw star trek last night and it was possibly the most retarded movie i have ever seen. ever.
-hey WA. are you insane? it was the best of the series! do you like drowning puppies too?
-hey T. i do. and it wasn't.
-hey WA. What about Avatar? i mean that movie was excellent. Excellent! and the story really sucks you in, you hardly think about the fact that you're watching giant blue people.
-hey T. I haven't seen it. mostly because you explained how dumb it is just now. a love story in space during a last of the mohicans rehash? i like D. Day Lewis just fine thanks.
-hey WA. but it's amazing! you gotta see it. oh man...i don't even know you anymore!
-hey T. you're my boss. so i will nod and listen as you spout off on the grand cinematic adventure that is the great alien native extermination yadda yadda, but i will not be seeing it anytime soon.

present

so maybe, just maybe. i might have seen it had it won a worthwhile oscar. this did not happen. by a longshot.

All Rise For The Honorable Judge Ito!


This court is now in session for the State of Florida vs Tilikum aka Tilly the killer whale...

Murmurs rippled through the courtroom as those words took America across a new threshold. For the first time in our history, this great nation is holding an animal legally accountable for harms caused to a human being. Florida vs Tilly is a landmark case--a point where our history will be divided into a before and after.

It has been an emotional 3 years for many since Tilly first murdered his 40 year old trainer in February of 2010. Those close to the woman have wanted to see justice served while the rest of the nation has been divided by intense, heated debate over this tragic story...and for good reason.

Tilikum the killer whale is an orca who has resided at Seaworld Orlando since 1992. Tilly, as he is more affectionately known, participates regularly in the park's Shamu shows, has sired many of the other resident orcas, and is well liked among many of the trainers there. He seems to have it made...but he also has a dark side. Tilly has a violent record dating back to 1991, the year before he became a part of Seaworld Orlando. At that time he was in Victoria, Canada and along with a couple other whales, drowned his trainer. This was the first time an orca killed a trainer and Tilly was part of it. Then again in 1999, a body of a man was found in Tilly's tank. Apparently, the man had snuck in after hours and either fallen or had been pulled into the tank by Tilly. Either way, his body was beaten and scratched by the whale. Extreme consequences for a small case of trespassing... And again in 2010 with this case...pulling in his trainer by her braid and dragging her around the tank.She ultimate died from several traumatic injuries and drowning. In the days after her death, experts emerged who painted \Tilly as a cold, caculating killer who had shown his thirst for murder throughout his life and would continue killing. His blood thirst had not stopped with fish and had in fact, moved on to humans. It was these experts who called for Tilly to be executed immediately in the most humane but cost effective way possible.

But that's not where the argument ends. Animal rights activists have lobbied for Tilly and his orca brethren to be set free to live peacefully in the ocean and have government officers fly out once weekly with hundreds of pounds of fish to the orcas' GPS monitored location to ensure these creatures are getting enough to eat. This kind of death, representatives of the Animal Liberation Front stated, proves exactly why an animal should never be made to perform on command for human enjoyment. Tragic consequences will always result. Christian groups such as the American Family Association have called for Tilly to be stoned to death as stated in Exodus 21:28 in the Bible. "When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable." The group continues though stating that later in this scripture, if the animal is not stoned and kills another man or woman, the owner is to be executed right along with the animal. AFA wants Seaworld execs stoned right along with Tilly for not carrying out Biblical law back in 1991 for the first incident.


On the flip side, Seaworld has been battling for years now because Tilikum is such a large investment for the company. Even before the addition of current court fees, the cold blooded killer was worth over $10 million. He continues to be an asset even with court fees as he has continued to sire offspring while the battle progressed. Seaworld has also stated Tilly does not have the capacity to plan out a murder nor is he a vicious murderer. The trainer knew the risks and safety procedures have been modified to better protect other trainers. To their credit, there has not been another incident in the last 3 years, and even the trainer's own family has stated she would absolutely not want anything to happen to the animal. There has also been a public outcry to save Tilly's life. He has been a source of love and joy for many.


That split on public opinion is what led us all to this point. A decision had to be made and evidence needed to be presented in an unbiased setting. The court proceedings officially began a year ago when documents were first filed and Seaworld paid Tilly's $1 million bond. since then we have seen battle after battle to get this case thrown out of court. Wiley defense attorneys won a change of venue hoping the costs of transporting the whale to California for trial would prevent it from ever being presented in court. No go. America is serious. The animal has to step up to the plate this time.


The DA , in a quick interview after court began today, has stated that the death penalty will be sought in this case. "Americans put this whale, this killer, in a safe environment. We feed him and care for him. We allow him to perform at regular intervals for our sheer entertainment and pleasure gaining him the love of so many and we will not tolerate such willful, malicious disobedience. I will not rest until he pays for the life he has taken..."

by and large, i enjoy my interactions online. sometimes there are people who make you want to give up on it altogether though. if i were a bit more cunty, i wouldn't have blipped out this guys info and i would post his big mustache having face up here with a big warning.

2/24/2010 9:53 a.m. A chance for two.

All i can say is wow. and your absolutly right i didn't put a lot of thought in my person, but i did tell the truth. i like tats too. I have4 myself andthey all stand for some part of my life.I admit I am a southern boy, and really prowd of my heratige. I'm not ashamed of who i am and i am rare in the fact that i have a big heart.And i'm the kind of man a women can be proud of.There's something that i like about you, but i'm not quit sure what? But maybe you'll give this redneck a chance,and i do talk from my heart, and hopefully this little segment did not bore you? Oh! I'm very new to this so if you do write? you should know that i only get on the comp at my mothers, may tile buisness has slowed and i don't have a comp at my house, so it's when i'm over here that i check mail. Unfortunatly that's not all that often. but if things were to work out, i'm sure we'll find a way. here's Too you, simple but sweet! And i really enjoyed reading about you! Hopefully you like southern rednecks.

2/24/2010 10:02 a.m. feet

 I did forget to tell you that i have a thing for pretty feet, but the rest does look very nice...

2/24/2010 11:28 a.m. contact

I really would like to get to know you! I'm only here for today and i know it's a little much, but if you don't try you won't know. So I would like to invite you to see my face book page and possably, you'll have a chance to just know more.You did say you liked the chase.we'll it'll be today, or until next time.(facebook)Jeffrey m Bailey. If you friend me,then if you don't like what you see, then i'll bug. HOPEFULL!

2/24/2010 4:12 p.m. chance

Hey again! I guess when i really like someone i like them to know.I'm only wanting to talk to you. I know we are probably from 2 diff worlds. but i think if you wereto get to know me you would not think that we are to far apart.I'm leaving later to go home.monticello,and it will be a little before i get to see if you write.I'm normally not this forward, but i guess i'm making up today for going to be gone and wanted to answer any dought that you may have to my true intentions. I need honesty,as well as adventure. I like country but listen to 99.9fm really can't stand 104.1fm, not the music, but the constant junk(slong boy and silly)however; I don't mind Raford. I think he's cool. I would like to ride my Harley on one of his trips. Hopefully the economy will pic up and i'll be able to not penny pinch so much.I've bought a camper and have yet to use it.I did live in it for a few months, while i was trying to buy my 1st place, but when i moved to my new house,well the economy went south and i'm waiting.Ithink you are beautiful and would love to meet you and i really liked your honesty and could tell it in your letter. Alot of the movies you picked, well all are some of my favorites,and i thought that no one else liked the dark crystal but me. Odd little movie.I really liked the bird's.I'd have to say that my newest movie that i've bought latly..maximum overdrive..great..Your the 1st girl i've ever tried to get to know on any site. I would like to think that you can see that i'm not just looking for anyone for just anything. I'm into survival,because oneday if need be i'll be able to take care of the people i need to. I guess you could say i'm more red than anything else. But in school i was always considered pop,and I was just my self.But i'm honest, trusting,funny,smart,and extremly loyal.I would like to get to talk to you and see for sure if we click, but if not...well.Good luck with all of your asperations,and hpoefully we'll talk later.

(all of this came while i was at work, so i log in to discover all these messages. needless to say, just that much freaked me the fuck out. but like an idiot, i tried to be nice because he seemed like he had no fucking clue about the internet or technology or anything unrelated to nascar and bass fishin'... and admittedly i fucking l o v e southern rednecks who are prowd of their heratige)

my reply:

2/24/2010 7:07 p.m. re: contact

how big is your thing for feet?

2/26/2010 5:02 p.m. misunderstood

I thought that i got a message from yo , but
i guess i was wrong. iwas exited
but , anyway I came to mom's to see if you wrote back. You did say exept for disappointment.... ok

2/26/2010 5:12 p.m. wondering

I don't know if you wrote back. Iwould love to here from you I think we would be good together. this comp. thing is new to me, i've always just been in const, and figured that i would meet some one by chance. but ....well i really liked your profile and thought to take a chance... maybe if you sent a mess.. i'll get it this time .i came home just for you. but i'll bee here till tommorrow, then i
have to go home to go back to work. hope you have a wonderful evening either way! ....later

2/26/2010 5:20 p.m. re:re: contact

 If i just got your message? About feet... well.. i think that it all starts at the bottom and goes up from there. I'm not just especially hooked on feet but, i would really like to rub preetty little toes, than some really messed up ones. but i do know how ever that, that is a little immature. but i dought that you have ugly feet. the rest of you looks so great!

2/26/2010 5:51 p.m. well,

Just to tell the truth, i like to be really close to the person i'm with \, but it's been years so i would like for them to be nice. I want to rubb, after work, sitting around the house,lay one end of the couch to another, up close...... mybe some kissing...there the truth...

2/26/2010 6:14 p.m. just another look

had to see again....wow.oh and i'm sure yours are just fine... are you missing some???toes i mean??lol..sorry.. i hope not..!!

2/26/2010 6:26 p.m. lyink

I am getting of for a bit ...tired of playing begewld...just was ...to see if maybe you would come on...be around till tommorrow....drop me a line...it gave me a great feeling inside.....i think we'll be cool...later..

(once again this crazy fuck bombed my box and not in a way that i enjoy. i mean this is creepy.)

my reply:

2/26/2010 7:02 re: lyink

I'm really not looking for the same things you are, I don't think. You should look at the sites I have listed on my page. You might figure some things out

(i'd actually gone to this guy's profile at this point wondering if this could be a joke or something....jesus. i read this: 'I enjoy building,making things, all kinds of things,knives,pelts,sheds,decks,showers,traps.I enjoy trying to live like people did when things were not so easy.(ref,lights,etc....) I love to hunt,camping,gardening,watching dvd's. And i want to do all these things with the love of my life.' did this motherfucker really just say that he enjoys building traps, showers, and knives? and how do you build a pelt? does that mean he likes taking them off with the knives he builds? perhaps the pelts of online girls with pretty feet? oh my... he probably makes them shower on his deck then sets them free in the woods near the back of his property...waits to hear them scream. screams mean they've been caught in his traps....)

2/26/2010 10:28 pm re:re: lyink

like what are you a whore.....i don't judge...but maybe i was wronge in this case....looking for something right was my fault.....or am i to know something else .....what are you trying to say...


(i'm trying to say that it explicitly says in my profile that i'm not looking for anything long term. that's not my goal. and it also explicitly states that i'm a no redneck kind of girl...but since you probably didn't read any of that, i'd waste my time with another message so fuck this)


2/26/2010 n10:31 re:re: lyink


like what....im hurt...


2/26/2010 11:20 pm re: re: lyink


 like what links...are you gay... i'm not sure or have ever been on here(the int) to much but please explaine...


(why is it that men think that just because a girl's not into them, she might be a dyke? and jesus christ are all of them this desperate?)


2/26/2010 11:25 pm back 


what links...did i miss something...I thought you were beautiful and would love to meet you, what did i miss....?????


(the scariest part of all is that i'm not even online when he's sending all these. imagine if i were...fuck)


2/26/2010 11:48 pm re: re: lyink


what site's i told you all this is new to me... i thought you were for real...


2/27/2010 10:15 am Hey!


Well I need to say that i'm sorry..I should have not asked such a bad question...I acually thought we were starting to get some were. Imean you did respond..I felt really good in side. but i guess that i need to let you tell me what you want if anything.I think you know what I am looking for. Not just sex ,but with you Iwould have to say i think it would be awsome!!!well if you do want to talk ...talk..for some one who likes to be in the conversation you have said very little. look forward to talking..later...JMB


(crazy, crazy, crazy)


3/3/2010 8:27 am re: re: contact


Back for today...or for a little while..noticed your not responding to me any more??


3/3/2010 8:28 am re: re: lyink


I would go and look at the sites, but i figured the best way to get to know someone is to talk.... but what do i know??


3/3/2010 11:27 am patient


Glad to see your here!Hope you have a good day today?Have you had any luck with this in the past? I don't know if it's all what anyone thinks it should be.To send a message is so informal. And I don't come across as i do in person. Probably because typing and the comp isn't my thing. I'm glad that I took a chance on you ,but not glad, that i'm a dunce on the words i sometimes use and am not right about the things that i try to say!I guess we all make mistakes, and that is what i'm trying not to do here. But as you can see... life is just chance..and would still love to talk..if just to be friends.


3/3/2010 5:01 pm lyink...last...unless...


I feel hurt you were the one, i thought for sure and thought we'd get to talk...But i guess there is more for me to learn about this stuff than i obviously know. If i offended you in any way? For that I am truly SORRY!! Sometimes i get a little exited and everytihing gets messed up. I raelly do think we alt to talk more or you could tell me your self what your looking for. Or maybe not...If you did in your life need or want a really good man in all aspects of life you were lucky enough to have him come calling.If i don't hear from you I get the picture. I've been called alot of things but..dumb isn't one of them. Even if i was raised southern and like boots and all kinds of other things, I;m a real and good hearted person. Most of all i wish you the best... in what ever it is you are truely looking for...Oh, and thanks for at least the chance? PS... i'm going to keep one of your photos...sentemental i guess..of if you want to send me that pic of your toes...b*******80@yahoo.com


3/3/2010 5:05 pm patient (are you fucking kidding me?)


or if you""d call....850******

(This was inspired by a big phony of a lady that I completely adore, but who can’t hold onto a screen name for more than 5 seconds)

Why do people lie so readily on the internet?

Masks. We all wear them and carry different personas around with us. It's human nature and not always a conscious act of deception. We use them to protect ourselves from those that would use what we conceal against us. We use them for adaption to specific situations so we can fit in or stand out or just pass by undetected. We use them because we can't quite share everything that we are with someone, or we just want to get into the pants of that sweet little catholic girl with the glasses and shaky morals. Who we really are is often so complex that we barely even understand ourselves. Some of us even hide from ourselves, or from truths to horrible to accept.

Back to the bold and blatant lies though.

People lie in greater quantity online because it's so much easier to lie when you don't have to look someone in the eye. When searching and accusatory eyes aren't probing you and reading every little nuance. Marking every little drop of sweat and nervous fidget that is screaming "YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR!" (Ooooh, all caps! That's serious bizness!)

Some lies are born of those masks we wear, and those masks can be even more convincing when you're just words or still images on a screen. They can get so caught up in this "facade" they've created that when someone gets close they panic and bury themselves deeper in lies. It would be much easier to just admit they aren't quite the person that they presented themselves to be and go from there. And the truth is no matter how many masks we put on, as people get closer to us they begin to see past them anyway.

I think I'm just going to cut and paste this for my own blog today because I am feeling terribly lazy.

I probably shouldn’t have cut and pasted that part. (This was originally a comment in another blog. I suppose I could just erase all of this now, but my laziness knows no bounds. I realize I'm actually being less lazy by explaining all of this and now I'm babbling in order to justify a laziness that no longer exists. Focus moron!)

Is lying always a bad thing?

Lying sometimes gets a bum rap.

People always say they want the truth. I’m not going to quote from that horrible movie, but I think you know where I’m going. The truth cuts. It cuts those we care about even more deeply than those we don't. Lies can be merciful. It's one of those double edged swords that people can't help slicing themselves and those they care about to ribbons with.

Ignorance is bliss. This is probably the most accurate phrase ever uttered. Too much bliss though, and you lose touch with reality. Too much truth and your smile disappears. Envy those that can achieve the happy medium.

Lying isn't always bad. Nothing is black and white. Everything is grey. Why you choose to lie is what matters. The consequences of the truth are what matters.

I had a thrilling, nonstop greater than 2 hour conversation with someone not terribly long ago. When I think of great first date (though can you really call watching a movie at my place a date?) conversations, it'll probably always rank near the top. It was perfection of exchanged word so grand (for a first meeting) that it became foreplay in and of itself. I love those talks. You're sitting there almost touching but not quite. You're animated, talking with your hands about this and that, throwing your head back in laughter…you can't get enough and you both seem to be hanging on the other's every word. You change subjects enough to keep it exciting and the topics vary from slower, more serious items that need deeper moments to fast paced, lively discussions with words virtually thrust towards one another in playful exchange. It's like winning the lottery in it's rarity. Ever seen high fidelity or read it? This conversation was like the one between Rob and marie de sale in the pub the night he goes back to her place. The conversation just takes off from the start…one of those quick connections you'd like to prevent from becoming a one time deal even while being nauseated at the thought of a standard relationship. The ambiguous nature, though, of an alternative 'other' relationship usually has everyone wary and guarded and fucking weird.

This always seems, for the most part, to be treated like a black or white issue. My current and not exactly limited experiences have shown that most men (I don't have a clue about other women) either want a significant long term relationship—sometimes right now, sometimes as a primary future goal—or they just want a fuck. Or fuck buddy. Usually though, it's the former as most seem to have some sort of training that girls equate sex with love and marriage and babies and traps so staying around will likely get them tagged and bagged.

I, however, am not a girl. I entered into the realm of womanhood some time ago and I rather like it here.

One night stands are highly impersonal. You meet wherever, you fuck, you go home. You didn't have great conversation, you didn't care about talking, you just wanted a fuck. And half the time they really aren't that good…you're better off just masturbating. Personally, I don't want to fuck someone I can't talk to so that throws one nighters out for me. Well….sort of. Let's just say it's not what I'm looking for.. yeah. So. Fuck buddies or friend with bennies or whatever cutesy little name you give to people who fuck each other because they're too lazy to go out looking for one night stands—no intimacy at all whatsoever involved in this. You basically get a booty call.

Hey…wanna fuck?
Sure.
Alright!!
Oh yeah.
Take this dick baby.
Give it to me. Harder.
I'm cumming.
Fuck me too.
The end.

Wasn't that just the most exciting thing you've ever read?? No? oh..yeah…because that shit is fucking boring. Who the hell wants to fuck the same person over and over who never even bothers to be seen in public with you? A fucking idiot that's who… take your friend with bennies title and shove it up your arse. Ok?

Once those are explained away, it's always assumed that well I must want a boyfriend. I'd have to if I want more than a fuck buddy. No. It really doesn't have to work that way. See how you skipped from virtually nothing here in this white area to complications and drama and death over there in the black? Yeah…you missed this overlapping grey area right here called other.

Other simply means something somewhere between a standard model relationship and the impersonal fuck buddy. We all crave affection, attention, and intimacy on some level. That's why so many people get online and get attached to people. You get that sort of bond and attention right there in the comfort of your home without really risking yourself or your emotions while still getting to go out and do whatever the hell you want when you want because, well, who will know you're fucking the girl from the copy place down the street? So. Sounds not so bad, huh? Well, here's the proposal, btfber's (how ridiculously and delightfully gay is that little moniker??), why not have that in real life? I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to go out to dinner, to a show, to a museum, on a hike or whatever it is you do when you date and have a fabulous time before you fuck. I think it's wonderful to snuggle on the couch under a blanket and watch movie then fuck then rewind the movie to the part where you got distracted by that hand between your legs. How about actually sleeping together with your legs all intertwined in that way that makes no sense but is quite incredible? I say bring it on. When we have time for each other, let's act like no one else on earth matters. For that night or those few hours, let's enjoy each other to the absolute fullest. Let's talk or let's go out to a concert and scream til we're bloody hoarse and can't mutter a word. Let's take showers and road trips and make plans together. Let's keep in touch through the week if we have time at least...a hi here and there and also the occasional real conversation. Get to know each other. Give gifts and remember birthdays. I think all of that is beautiful interaction and there's not a fucking thing wrong with it. Let's also fuck every chance we get in any place we can find to do it. Let me give you the best blowjob you've ever had or will have. I'll cook for you, man…and if you want to cook for me, I'm not complaining. Backrubs, footfubs, staying up all night talking…giving some help when one of you is sick... The key phrase you've probably forgotten in all of this is "when we have time for each other' and is probably one of the most important parts of this whole idea. Nothing should be forced. I shouldn't have to rearrange my life to make the time nor should you. And furthermore, there are no expectations. I don't want anything from you beyond what's right in front of us. I'm not asking for promises because I'm sure as fuck not going to make you any besides a promise to enjoy you as much as you let me. I'm not even asking for commitment. What you do when we aren't together is your business and same goes for me. Just don't flaunt it or rub it in my face and we're fine. If we don't see each other for several weeks, I'm not going to cry nor should you get pissed when I choose a sludge metal concert in savannah over you. That's the way it might go unless I ask you to go with me. When it all boils down to it, I'd like to be able to see someone on a regular basis that isn't afraid of intimacy and being real…that can let down a few walls and realize that being attached to someone as in caring about them isn't the same as being 'tied down.' Some might say the potential to be hurt is there if one of you were to ever actually get into a standard relationship with someone else….i don't think so, though… when you care about someone, you want the best for them. When you go into something knowing that all good things come to an end and knowing that it's never expected to go anywhere, the actual hurt is saved. It doesn't mean you won't miss that person. Some might argue that one night stands prevent that thus making that route a better option. Fuck that, I say. Each of us is enriched by the people we take the time to get to know and who we let in, even a little, to get to know us. It's inevitable. We grow because of our relationships with others…our interactions. We grow because we take chances.

That being said, I've realized that I'm horribly picky and that only complicates matters further when what you want from someone is so seemingly unheard of…. In the conversation I gushed over at the start of this blog, G$ said he thinks girls set out landmines when they first meet a guy. They just sit and wait for them to come across one and fucking blow everything to shit. It's pretty fucking true about me though it isn't a conscious effort on my part. Sometimes I don't even know I'll have the reactions that I do. The more landmines detonated, the funnier this shit gets. This list is ridiculous and makes it even more impossible for me to achieve my so sought after 'other' relationship. And, without further ado, here are Jenniy's Dealbreakers.

Intelligence. I can't express enough how important it is not to be a total moron. And don't think that a degree makes you intelligent…that just means you're capable of studying.

Age matters. If you're too young to remember Jem or you're so old I could have a conversation with your kids (who are nearly my age) about darkwing duck because you didn't have a clue what I was talking about, you're probably fucked.

Height and size do not matter in the least but the sound of your voice does. I can't help I dig those baritones.

Read books or get the fuck out.

It isn't necessary that you listen to the same music I do, but music must be vital to your well being or you'll never get me. Not in the least. But while we're on the subject let me just say this, if you listen to country and hate metal and I listen to metal and detest country, what the fuck are we going to listen to while we're on the road? Each other breathing? Fuck no, so there has to be some sort of even playing ground…a compromise.

Taste in movies is a biggie. If you don't like pulp fiction or the big lebowski or dazed and confused or fear and loathing in las vegas…god at least one of those preferably all or most…then I have nothing to talk to you about as you'll never think I'm funny. I walked out during Saw and if you think you'll get me to change my mind about that sort of gore, we aren't going to have the best time.

Having a solid sense of humor that is a bit dry and dark is more important than outward appearance and dick size. I'm not even fucking kidding. If you make me laugh, you've secured a great distance between land mines.

Read what I post online. I don't post it to read it myself, jackass. If you're too put out to read an article I've written here and there, you'll be too put out to even listen to my conversation soon enough.

If you say the same things everytime we talk, I'll get bored. Small talk is boring. You wanna ask me how I am? Fine, but keep it up and you can forget it.

If I explain that I can't talk or hang out because I'm spending time with my son, take the fucking hint.
Pressuring me just pisses me off.

Don't act like I'm some experiment into the realm of fucking girls with tattoos.

Extremely religious people are out.

Hunting and sports fanatics are a no go.

Using 'lol' in every text is like being around someone humming off key under their breath.

Can't keep your temper in check? Can't hang around here.

You don't have to abbreviate everything you text okay? How much faster is it to say wrkn over working?
Not fucking fast enough to substantiate a reason for its use.

I will send naked pics. Probably often. If you keep asking me to send you some, the likelihood that I will is slim to none.

Bad kissing skills will fuck you up fast. There is absolutely no way to make up for not being excelled in the art of making out.

Liars may as well be dog murderers.

Moderate level of confidence. I don't have time to coddle you and tell you you're nice and cute all the time just for you to argue with me and if you're so goddamn confident that you have absolutely no tact whatsoever, I'm going to hate you.

Ask me why I don't grow my hair out and you get a one way ticket back to loserville. (uber gay)

Play world of warcraft more than you sleep? Ew.

Take a bath, brush your teeth, wear deodorant…don't skip out on those essentials. That's just gross.

Call me hun and I'll revoke your privileges…probably. Depends on how well I know you. Let's just say that not all girls are into that bullshit. If you wanna give me a pet name, give me something of my own. Quit being generic.

Be assertive. Why the hell do I want to feel pushy?

If you act too aloof just to try to keep your distance because of our nonrelationship status, I'll get bored or aggravated.

Picky eaters are annoying.

If you insist on never texting and always talking, you're out of luck, texting allows for multi tasking.

Be able to talk about anything. I love innuendo more than straightforward sex talk even though I like that, too, but there has to be more to it. Texting back and forth about what we want to do to each other is fine here and there but otherwise it just gets fucking old.

 Sooo….. tread carefully or you might get your leg blown off.

 Also if you wanna talk about your dealbreakers, I'm interested. Spill it.